Thank you very mulch

Ah, the brief, brutal life of a Xmas tree! Raised and decapitated on forced labor farms, sold on the street like runaways, weighed down with gaudy baubles, choked with tinsel, worshipped by young savages in their onesies clamoring for boodle… and then cruelly abandoned to the sidewalks like so much garbage. The least you could do is take them to the Mulchfest today and tomorrow. And for Odin’s sake, take off the metal base before feeding ’em to the Maw of the Mulcher!